Winslow’s Dictionary of Universally Accepted Garage Sale Terminology

I can spot baby crap from a mile away.

I owe this remarkable superpower to my friends, Michael and Diane, although, outside of mixed company, we tend to refer to such secondhand sale offerings as “baby sh*%.” If colleges offered a PhD in “Garage Sale Sciences,” Michael and Diane would undoubtedly score honorary degrees. They’re that good.

When I was in college, Michael and Diane did me the great honor of allowing me to tag along on one of their epic Saturday scrounges, and I wrote an entire essay on the experience for my in-depth reporting class (I earned an “A”). I recently uncovered the original essay, but here’s a rundown of what I learned and have since adopted as “Winslow’s Dictionary of Universally Accepted Garage Sale Terminology:”

Antique (adjective): Reserved for items at least three decades old.

Baby Sh*% (noun): Kid-related junk the owner (usually the youngest child in the household) has outgrown and which is being peddled by overly optimistic parents desperately trying to make a few bucks so as to buy more kid-related crap.

Classifieds (noun): Once, a long time ago, printed publications known as “newspapers” existed. Sellers would pay exorbitant sums of money – generally more than they would eventually make at their forthcoming sale – to advertise in these publications.

Craigslist (proper noun): An online list from a guy named Craig through which sellers can advertise sales for free.

Drive-by (noun): The act of surveying the proffered goods from the safety of one’s vehicle before committing to grapple with parallel parking on an already crammed, one-way residential street.

Early Bird (noun): An inconsiderate jerk who either can’t read or doesn’t care to adhere to advertised sale hours and arrives five hours early on the off chance he might score a limited edition Perry Como Christmas Collection LP.

Estate Sale (noun): Overpriced, free-for-all sale of the entire contents of a home once the owner has kicked the bucket or been forcibly relocated to a nursing home. If organized by the deceased’s family, deals are possible. If organized by an Estate Sale Company (see entry for “Kofskis”), run the other way.

Freestyler (noun): One who dismisses sale advertisements and drives aimlessly around town, leaving a wake of near-accidents as he or she slams on the brakes upon detecting yet another handwritten, cardboard sign.

Garage Sale (noun): Moderately priced sale of random household crap assembled in a garage or carport.

Kofskis (proper noun): South Florida-based antique and estate sale company. Among the worst offenders when it comes to overpriced junk.

Rummage Sale (noun): When an entire community collectively compiles its crap and attempts to tempt buyers with round neon price stickers advertising “5, 10 and 25-cent” price points. Generally hosted in a church. Proceeds often fund charity projects or some youth group’s field trip to perform at the International Yodeling Competition in Fargo, North Dakota.

Shabby Chic (adjective): Used to describe a vintage item universally considered hideous when new but which has since acquired an aura of novelty and is thus desirable in modern times.

Yard Sale (noun): Low-priced sale of random household crap piled atop old comforters strewn across a front yard. NOTE: In South Florida or Seattle, not recommended during the rainy season (namely, 11 months of the calendar year)

Sellers and buyers alike: Note these definitions. Write them down or commit them to memory. Mislabeling one’s sale is a near-capital offense and will be punished accordingly.

The absolute worst offender of mislabeling is the overzealous housewife who advertises her Baby Sh*%-grade offerings as an “Estate Sale.” That is wrong on so many levels. First of all, she is diverting traffic from real estate sales, the ones in which someone has actually died and buyers like me get to creep around the vacant house rifling through filament light bulb collections and shelves of Betamax cassettes. Second, she’s responsible – during this heightened period of Super-Intense, Radioactive Global Warming, no less — for the squandering of immeasurable amounts of gasoline as we buyers conduct repeated drive-bys to determine whether her rinky dink starter home is truly the estate in question. How dare she. A patchwork quilt piled high with a kid’s stained onesies is not an estate sale.