Treasure, Part II: That time my dad found a quarter

The Winslow Family Treasure Trove of Bizarre Artifacts gained its most recent exhibit in November. Snippets of the story behind this great find had since reached my ears, but it wasn’t until the day after Christmas, when I visited my parents on their sailboat domicile, that I was finally able to exact the gory details from my dad (a few rounds of beer and the assistance of Mom and family friends Alex Ripley and Krysten Biggica and their adorable daughter Kennedy played no small part in bringing this historic account to the masses). The true, embarrassing trajectory of our conversation is documented word-for-word thanks to a tape recorder I shoved into Dad’s face, but as you read, imagine you’re immersed in a fictional, one-act play by Arthur Miller or Neil Simon. Doing so might make the following dialogue easier to digest.

ACT I, SCENE I

The curtains open to reveal a nautical scene. The principal characters, “Dad,” “Mom,” “Alex,” “Krysten,” "Kennedy" and  “Megan” are seated around a table within the salon of a sailboat. A salty breeze fills the air. Kennedy gurgles occasionally but contributes little to the conversation. Friendly chatter dies down as Dad takes center stage.

DAD: When I was a kid, we lived in Pensacola for about a year, and my mother was dating this guy who was kind of a family friend, and he used to challenge my brother — my middle brother — and I to do crazy stuff all the time. One of the things was how much horseradish you could take on a spoon, a little bit and then a little more—

MOM: Sounds like a crazy guy.

DAD: —and Kevin would inhale the whole thing. He actually, and I can’t remember the whole thing, it’s kind of fuzzy—

MOM (exasperated): It’s just a nickel, Kim.

DAD: —I was like 5 or 6 years old, and he challenged me to swallow a nickel—”

MEGAN: That is so dumb.

DAD: —and I did. I swallowed the stupid nickel.

Five pairs of eyes are directed toward a quart-sized plastic Ziploc baggie and the dark coin contained within.

ALEX: It looks like a quarter.

MOM: Sounds like he was trying to kill you.

Mom, Dad & Scrappy

DAD: And a month ago, it came out.

MEGAN (matter-of-factly): He was getting a colonoscopy.

DAD: I was getting a colonoscopy—

ALEX:  That’s, like, recent?

DAD:  About a month ago.

MEGAN: What date is on it?

ALEX: Can we just wash our hands and take this thing out? I’ll wash my hands. I don’t care.

MEGAN: Sure.

MOM: Oh no, no.

DAD: I don’t know if I’d open the bag.

MOM: It’s been washed.

MEGAN: So what was your reaction? You just went to the bathroom and just looked down and—

DAD: When you have everything that I had and Mom had recently, there’s nothing in your, there’s nothing coming out but just water. They get you so—

ALEX: Cleaned out?

DAD: —Cleaned out. There’s nothing.

ALEX (nodding knowingly): Yep. Flush your system.

DAD: And the biggest concern you have is that you can’t stop going to the bathroom, once they’ve got you to that point. So right before we left to go to the doctor’s, Hailey’s driving me, and I went into the bathroom one last time to try and make sure I—

MEGAN: At the doctor’s office?

DAD: No, before I got to the doctor’s office.

MOM (shocked): What, here?!

DAD: No, at Hailey’s apartment.

MOM: Oh.

DAD: —to make sure I could make it. And all that came out was water and that. And I looked at it and said, ‘What the hell is that?’ And I mean, it was just so weird. I had to find out.

MEGAN: So you reached in and then what happened?

ALEX: Megan, I want you to find the date on it. I just want to know what it is. Actually, I think it might be a quarter. That’s a quarter.

MOM (addressing Krysten): There’s a magnifying glass behind you somewhere.

ALEX: I think that’s a quarter. I don’t think that’s a nickel.

MOM (addressing Krysten): It’s in a little brown thing. Don’t worry about it.

DAD: I thought it was a quarter too, but we looked at it really close on Pete and Linda’s boat. Somebody with better eyes than me would be enough to see it.

MOM (addressing Dad): You know what the magnifying glass looks like, Kim, over there.

DAD (placing a small magnifying glass on the table): Yep.

MEGAN: So where do you keep this now? Under your pillow?

ALEX: With his last tooth.

MOM: I think we should put it in with The Eyeball.

DAD: Linda was able to see the date on it.

MOM (addressing Alex): It’s been scrubbed. You can take it out.

ALEX: I wonder what the date is. It might be real silver.

MOM (addressing Krysten): Actually, there’s a black magic marker behind you—

ALEX (Hopeful now): It just may be so old that it’s real silver.

MOM (addressing Krysten): Yes, a black magic marker. Can you? Thanks. (Mom begins writing on the plastic Ziploc baggie) I’m going to put—

MEGAN: —‘Dad’s Poop Nickel’ on it?

ALEX: All I can think about is Adam Sandler saying, ‘Poop!’ The Poop Nickel!

The Eyeball and the "Poop Quarter"

MEGAN (reading over Mom’s shoulder): ‘Dad’s Poop Nickel.’ You need an apostrophe. Yep. And the date. What was the date of this pooping out?

MOM: We’ll just put, ‘11’—

DAD (pulling out his phone): Hold on, I can tell you.

MOM: No, it’s OK. We’ll just put, ‘11’—

DAD: November something.

MEGAN (desperate): Wait. I want to know.

DAD: Megan’s gotta know.

MEGAN (with great feeling): I gotta know!

ALEX: We have to have the correct date. And when did you swallow it then?

DAD: I swallowed it in 1962 — or 1963.

MOM: Who scrubbed it? Didn’t someone scrub it?

DAD: Linda. She was insisting on finding out what date it was.

MEGAN (hopeful): Maybe it’s a British coin.

DAD: Hmmm, I don’t know. (Reads phone calendar) Colonoscopy was on November 4.

MOM (writing on the Ziploc): Let me fix this.

ALEX (impressed): That was very recent. I’m glad I didn’t open the bag. That’s too recent.

Megan removes the coin from the bag and begins examining it with the magnifying glass.

Megan examines the specimen as Krysten, shocked, looks on

MEGAN: What did the doctor say about this, the fact that it stayed in your body this long?

ALEX: Did he document it?

DAD: I didn’t tell him until right before they were going to put me under anesthesia. And I said — everybody else had left the room and he was just standing there — and I said, ‘I gotta tell you something. That cleansing was amazing!’ Then he said, ‘Well, while we’re in there, we’re going to see if there’s any more change.’

MEGAN (running her index finger along the coin’s edges): This has got to be a quarter. It has the edges of a quarter.

Megan hands the coin to Alex.

ALEX: That’s what it feels like. It’s crazy. There’s nothing there. Nothing to tell what it is.

DAD: The fact that you guys are handling this after I told you where it came from is really beyond my belief.

ALEX: Oh, come on. It’s been washed a few times. I wish we had a grinder wheel or something with a little brush on it and maybe just brushed off—

KRYSTEN: No, you couldn’t. You’d grind it right down.

MOM: A jeweler would probably be able to figure it out.

Everyone laughs.

MEGAN: A jeweler?!

ALEX: Just don’t tell him the story. ‘Can you find out where this is from and how old it is? Tell us the date and everything.’

MEGAN: Maybe a coin collector. So, how old were you when you found this eyeball?”

MOM: We were on Dania Beach.

ALEX (picking up the Eyeball): Now, this is crazy. I mean, the Poop Quarter is pretty crazy, but this.

MOM (addressing Dad): Was that when the kids were little? When we were on the beach?”

ALEX (placing the Eyeball over his own eye socket): It’s just so detailed.

MEGAN: Yeah.

ALEX: That’s crazy. I mean, it looks like my eye, partially. If I lost an eye, I’d probably come to you guys.

MOM (looking worried): We’re not giving it up.

ALEX: What? Rinse, reuse, recycle.”