DNA results are in...

... and the most important thing you need to know is this: Matt is more Neanderthal than me.

My DNA contains 246 Neanderthal variants, more than 15 percent of 23andMe’s 1 million-plus customers, and my husband’s contains 259, more than 25 percent of customers.

“You are less Neanderthal than Matthew,” my online report states, bolding, this time, not mine.  I printed this part of the report and plan to frame it.

Sixty-thousand years ago, interbreeding between modern humans and knuckle draggers like Matt’s ancestors led to 4 percent Neanderthal DNA existing in certain populations today, according to 23andMe.

“Everyone living outside of Africa today has a small amount of Neanderthal in them, carried as a living relic of these ancient encounters,” according to National Geographic. “A team of scientists comparing the full genomes of the two species concluded that most Europeans and Asians have between 1 to 4 percent Neanderthal DNA.”

Bragging rights aside, the confirmed superiority of my bloodline is important thanks to Matt himself, who set himself up for deep disappointment and shame after we shared a recent dinner out with Kelsey.

This was post-purchasing the 23andMe kits but pre-spitting, and Kelsey proved almost as giddy about the prospects as Matt and I were.

“We’ll have an ethnicity reveal party like people have gender reveal parties,” she said as we strolled back to her house. “You give me the test results, and I’ll go buy little flags.”

And then Matt turned to me.

“You’re going to break their system,” he said. “They’re going to be, like, ‘This is the most Neanderthal person we’ve ever seen.”

Later, on the ride home: “Oh, you better hope you’re not more Neanderthal than me.”

(I know these quotes to be accurate because I make mental and written notes of many of the stupid stuff my family members say. As a journalist, it’s essentially, like, my job to do so. Plus, I read them back to Matt, and he said, “I said that? That’s funny!” And laughed.)

The morning of July 28, I received an email announcing my DNA results were viewable via my online account. Matt had already left for work, but I compared my results with his, revealed the night before. I snapped a photo of the most important bit, and promptly dispatched a text to the gang.

Matt responded first.

Matt: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

Jackie: “Very cool! Any surprises in the results?”

Matt: “Only that I’m somehow, in ways unimaginable by me, more caveman than Megan.”

I guess, if you think about it, another mildly important component of the reports and their comparison is the fact that I’m not my husband’s long-lost cousin – or sister (We don’t share any identical DNA segments). So that’s good news too.