Naked and afraid (Part II)

Jackie was already wrapped in a shorty robe by the time Cat, Kelsey and I arrived at the Naked Spa. She sat upon a sofa in an alcove just beyond the reception desk. She seemed serene. I, apparently, did not.

“Are you OK?” she asked.

“Sure.” I wondered what level of heightened anxiety my face betrayed.

“We don’t allow shoes inside and bathing suits or underwear in the spa,” said the attendant. “For the Jacuzzi and cold pool you need to be nude.”

Shit.

Himalayan Salt Room

“Perhaps I should put my bag in the car,” I said, backing toward the door. The sizeable duffel slung over my shoulder contained all those verboten items – plus two oversized beach towels, a change of clothes, a bathing cap and a pair of goggles. Combined, I had thought, perhaps they’d sufficiently conceal my translucent complexion and bony chest.

“No, it should fit within your locker,” the attendant said. “And you can leave your shoes here.”

I surrendered my sneakers and placed them upon the designated bookshelf beside Jackie’s Uggs.

This is how we all develop foot fungus, I thought.

Barefoot, we padded after our guide and into the inner sanctum of the women’s locker room. Boob. Belly. Butt. Blobs of bare flesh hovered in my periphery. I crossed my eyes until the figures around us morphed into a beige blur.

“Are you OK?” Jackie asked.

“Yes!” I hissed.

The attendant rattled off the 12-step program leading up to the afternoon’s main event, an extremely wet and vigorous 90-minute ordeal – er, “treatment” -- dubbed “Pure Bliss.”

“You’ll need to shower before your treatment,” she said. “There’s a sauna room and a spa room I recommend you soak in the Jacuzzi for at least 15 minutes prior to the treatment Then maybe the cold pool They’ll call you by the number printed on your locker key One of you has a 2:15 p.m. appointment You’ll need to take a shower right away to allow time for soaking Do not re-enter the pools after your treatment.”

My brain seemed to have suffered a major malfunction. I was first, I was the 2:15 p.m. appointment, (What time was it?!) and everything was happening so fast. Who would call me? Where was the shower? Jacuzzi before cold pool or cold pool before Jacuzzi? Where was Jackie? Suddenly Cat was naked and Kelsey was naked, and I was struggling to balance on one foot while wriggling out of my underwear under cover of a washcloth.

I followed my friends into the dual shower/Jacuzzi room. Though insubstantial, the Plexiglas partitions separating the shower stalls would have provided some modicum of privacy had not the shaving mirrors above the fixture reflected and magnified all the flesh in the room.

Hey, I thought. Maybe I don’t have the flattest chest in Silicon Valley. And that woman’s butt resembles cottage cheese too!

But a flabby fanny was the least of my worries. I had to prioritize for a mad dash toward the 6-person Jacuzzi across the room: left arm across the top and right hand shielding the nether regions. I spied sanctuary in the form of bubbles already affording Jackie censorship.

This isn’t so bad, I thought, sinking down until the water reached my eyelids. I settled butt cheeks atop a protective cradle of open palms.

Kelsey and Cat soon joined us, the former repeating my awkward shuffle across the room, the latter exhibiting an admirably confident swagger.

We chatted and laughed, and, remarkably, after awhile, I started to relax.

Ha! Being naked is a cinch when no one can see your bits and pieces!

And then the Jacuzzi motor stopped purring, the magic bubbles disappeared, and the once-turbulent water around me stilled. I imagined my expression mirrored Kelsey’s: wide eyes, raised eyebrows, mouth slightly agape.

“Bubbles!” I said, drawing my knees into my chest.

“I got it,” Jackie said. We watched our savior slink toward the magic button that would summon back those blessed bubbles. “I’m going to check out the salt room anyway.”

Kelsey trotted after her, leaving Cat and I to puzzle over the curious stools lining the room. Each squat plastic chair sat before its own shower handset and shampoo dispenser. Would we be expected to plant our bare booties there? And how often did they disinfect those things anyway?

“I think the reason all the nudity doesn’t bother me is that I was on the swim team growing up, and we had to shower in front of each other all the time,” Cat said. “Didn’t you play sports?”

“I did,” I said. “I was on the swim team too, but it was a club team, and I was young. I don’t remember having to get naked in front of each other.”

If I had had to strip down, perhaps I managed to block it from my mind. What I do recall is the Blue Wave Swim Team teammate who tortured me with taunts of “Hairy Scary” because I didn’t shave the blonde fuzz on my 8-year-old legs. In addition to bullies, locker rooms meant gnarly foot fungus, impressive feats of toilet bowl levitation provoked by threats of deadly disease and shielding my gangly limbs behind locked bathroom stalls for P.E. uniform changes (Yes, I know I’m disturbed).

Cat continued by relating her D.C. Korean spa experience: Asian ladies in lingerie administered the massages, and all-day, marathon nakedness was encouraged via features like an in-spa restaurant and a communal co-ed room where patrons napped in the middle of the floor.

“Naked naps?” I asked, eyebrows raised.

“No, they wear robes,” she said.

With about 10 minutes remaining until my treatment, I decided to seek out Jackie, Kelsey and the Himalayan Salt Room.

There’s a scene from Season 3, Episode 3, of “Sex and the City” in which Charlotte, the shows designated prude, becomes uneasy as her friends drop their towels and expose some boob in a spa steam room. That’s the kind of awkward I expected within this salt room: handsome teak benches occupied by terry cloth-swathed butts. Perhaps a stray nipple or two. But the door handle was hot and the stone floor was heated, and I yelped into the darkness that had swallowed by girlfriends. Both lay face-up and spread-eagled on the floor.

“Are you OK?” Jackie asked from her state of repose atop a towel.

“I think I’m just going to sit on my towel and cower in the corner,” I said.

To be continued...